The Perpetrator's Mask?

Recently I was working with parent of a 4 year old who had been sexually abused by another family member devastating them and putting the families in conflict with each other. They both disclosed abuse histories in their childhoods as well. As they were describing how they felt and reacted when their child was tantruming or being defiant I had one of those defining moments. They felt victimized by their child's behavior! It was as though they were putting a perpetrator's mask on their child, triggering their intense feelings of powerlessness from their bottom trauma drawer. Whoa! I thought. I shared my observations and thoughts with them which at first took them aback. As they and I breathed into what I said they begin to make the connection. They saw how their own stress and not their child's behavior was what they needed to calm. Then they could focus on their child's needs and meet them, which would calm their child.

Later, as I reflected on this revelation it took me back in time when I was a foster parent. I think like most people we believed that love would make everything okay. From the beginning, our foster daughter challenged our beliefs about what works. At times she would act like this 'super responsible' person only to devolve into a 6'1" screaming, arm flailing, defiant 3 year old. I remembered how terrified I felt at those times though I remained calm on the outside and out of her reach. When things settled down I would go to my room shaken and unsure of what to do to help her. We used behavioral methods and accepted the advice of her therapists. Their advice worked for a while but did not stop the behaviors. In fact the older she got the worse the lying, stealing, sexual acting out became.

I was determined that I was going to do everything in my power to 'control' and 'intervene' in her behaviors. I was going to 'hold the line' so she wouldn't make the mistakes everyone believed she would. I held no line. I stopped her from nothing. One night, triggered, confused and overwhelmed I got into a corner in my room between the bed and the night stand. I was triggered in my trauma drawer and I put the mask of one of my perpetrators on her. I hated myself for feeling victimized, used up and defeated by a child. I learned later, there was so much I didn't know as a counselor and a mother.

After 5 years of doing what we thought would work and didn't and after learning about more lies she told us she needed to see her therapist. We had all made an agreement that her behavior was going to tell us if she wanted to stay or leave. The latest behaviors said she wanted to go. She was sent to another foster home. We didn't know about the Stress Model then. Our lack of understanding and those who were trying to help only perpetrated the original abandonment on her. That is not what we had in mind. Years later she contacted us and apologized for her behavior and wanted us to continue as her parents. We were grateful and said sure. However, we have not heard from her in many years. Since, then, I have had a major paradigm shift learning the Post stress model. I feel it is us and those who were working with her, who owe her the apology.